


Hate to say that I love you

by broadwaydarren



Category: Glee RPF
Genre: Angst, M/M, Texting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-30
Updated: 2019-03-30
Packaged: 2019-12-26 22:36:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 890
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18291620
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/broadwaydarren/pseuds/broadwaydarren
Summary: From: Darren - Do you ever wish you could go back in time?Feeling more than a little depressed, Darren sends Chris a text message, not really expecting a reply. The conversation that follows is far more than anything Darren had ever expected.





	Hate to say that I love you

**Author's Note:**

> Set in present day.   
> Title from Bad Habit by Ben Platt (Listen to the song for the full experience)

**From: Darren** Do you ever wish you could go back in time?

**From: Chris** I don’t know. Not really. Do you?

**From: Darren** Yeah. More and more lately. I just. I wish I could go back. I wish I could change things. I wish I could stop myself from making dumb choices.

**From: Chris** You made the choices you made for a reason. You wanted to get ahead. And I mean. It worked. Golden Globe, Emmy and SAG award later… Was it worth it?

**From: Darren** …

**From: Darren** No.

**From: Darren** No, it wasn’t. I look at those awards and I just feel… Empty. It’s why I haven’t been working. I just. I don’t have any motivation. I’ve lost the spark.

**From: Darren** I guess this is the part where you say ‘I told you so’, huh? I sold my soul to the devil. It was never gonna end well.

**From: Darren** I lie awake in bed and I think about you. Every night.

**From: Chris** Dare…

**From: Darren** I know. I know.

**From: Chris** You know, it’s never too late. Plenty of people have come out after being married to a woman.

**From: Darren** Psh. I know you’re just trying to make me feel better. We both know I’ve dug myself a hole I can never hope to climb out of.

**From: Chris** You just need a new management team. I’m not gonna tell you it’ll be easy. I’m not gonna say that you’re guaranteed to have success afterward, but… Do you really want to be miserable for the rest of your life?

**From: Darren** Why are you being so nice to me? I was an asshole to you.

**From: Chris** Because…

**From: Chris** Because I love you.

**From: Darren** Still?

**From: Chris** Yeah. Trust me, I’ve often wished that I didn’t but. I do. I can’t stop loving you, Darren.

**From: Chris** I wish I knew how to quit you.

**From: Darren** Ha. Brokeback Mountain. Nice reference.

**From: Darren** Chris you… You know I still love you, too, right?

**From: Chris** You’re married. I’m with someone else.

**From: Darren** I know! I’m not saying it like… Like we should be together again. I’m not saying it like I don’t know how you’re going to reply. You don’t want to hide. You’re sick of me cowering in the closet. I know.

**From: Darren** I was just… Stating facts. I love you, Chris. I’ll always love you.

**From: Chris** Do you love her?

**From: Darren** Of course not. I mean. Maybe I did, once upon a time. When it was real. When it was new. When we were just two twenty-somethings having fun.

**From: Darren** But I never loved her the way I loved you.

**From: Darren** I’ve never loved anyone the way I love you.

**From: Darren** I love you so much that it hurts. Thinking about you is like stabbing a knife into my heart. Every time. Because I want to be with you. I want to see you every day. I want to make you smile, to make you happy, to see your beautiful face first thing in the morning and last thing at night. But I can’t.

**From: Darren** It hurts because I know I don’t deserve you. I’m not good enough for you. You deserve the world, Chris. No, fuck that, you deserve the whole fucking universe. You deserve someone who’d go to the Timbuktu and back for you. Someone who’d stand next to you proudly, who’d show you off the way you should be, who’d be glad to look at you and proclaim to everyone that you’re his.

**From: Darren** You deserve someone who’d fight for you. Who’d never give up on you, no matter what.

**From: Darren** You don’t deserve me. You deserve so much better.

**From: Chris** I… I don’t know what to say.

**From: Darren** Can I ask you one thing?

**From: Chris** Okay.

**From: Darren** Do you think he deserves you? Is he the grand love of your life? Would he go to the end of the universe and back for you?

**From: Chris** Darren… I. I don’t know. I can’t answer that.

**From: Darren** If he was, you’d know. You know your soulmate when you meet them.

**From: Chris** Life isn’t a fairytale, Dare. Soulmates don’t exist. And… If they do, they don’t always end up with each other. Real life is… More complicated than that.

**From: Darren** There’s always an after the ‘happily ever after’, huh? Isn’t that what your whole book series is about?

**From: Chris** Yeah. Life doesn’t stop when you meet the guy of your dreams. Problems don’t magically disappear just because you love each other more than anything.

**From: Darren** But… Let’s say you do have soulmate. Is it him?

**From: Chris** …No.

**From: Darren** Then why are you with him? Shouldn’t you be out there searching for someone who’ll make you happier? Someone who’s perfect for you?

**From: Chris** Don’t make me say it.

**From: Darren** Don’t make you say what?

**From: Chris** Stop acting dumb.

**From: Chris** If I have a soul mate… If soulmates exist… Then. Then my soulmate and I aren’t ever going to get our happy ending.

**From: Darren** How do you know that?

**From: Chris** I know because… Because if I have a soulmate, my soulmate is you.


End file.
